I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I have peed in a lot of sinks
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
