I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
