I just pynch a tree in the face
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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