i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
