i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
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Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
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Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know