My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.