Are you dead
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
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I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before