We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?