fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
