Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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