if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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