I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
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While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
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Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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