I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
there is glitter all over my balls
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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