Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
