Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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