You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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