go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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