Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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