I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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