If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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