I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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