You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
