Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
soo... how was my night?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
