Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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