there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
