forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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