The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
don't judge my taste in strippers
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
