Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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