Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
