You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm passing your future prison.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
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