it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
