i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You were trust falling into bushes
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
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