I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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