I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
