the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
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I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
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I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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