Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
