I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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