How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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