the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
