also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
