You can't motorboat a personality
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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