Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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