OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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