he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
