I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
she peed on how many people?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
