You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
