I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
