no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
