My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
