I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
