I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
