puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
