I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
try to milk me bitch
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
