The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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