he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
