im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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