hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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