this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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