apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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