I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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